Dear in Headlights: Her Pets like to Join in

By admin | May 6, 2011

Dear in Headlights,

My girlfriend has too many pets. It would be okay if she were just a crazy cat lady, but she’s also a deranged dog lady as well. And, she doesn’t get her animals from a puppy or kitty mill like respectable people do. No, she “rescues” her “little children.” I put rescue in quotes because death or a crowded cage would be better than the conditions in which she keeps these handicapped quadrupeds. One of the dogs lost his back legs in a cooking accident, so now his hind half is dragged along by a miniature wheelchair. The four cats and three dogs share a tiny, one-room basement apartment with her. And, they share the queen-sized bed with us. This is the main source of trouble.

Sleep is fitful. One dog, this one only figuratively on his last legs, entertains himself at night by licking his face. This not only produces a disgusting slurping sound, but it also fills the room with his horrific mouth odor. If I do manage to sleep, the cats like to play a game they call “Sleep Apnea” in which they take turns resting their anuses on my nose effectively making breathing impossible and waking me up. The third dog has loud angry dreams about his eyeball popping out.

By morning, the clothes I brought over to wear to work are usually stained with cat piss. The dog with the panty fetish will have eaten my briefs. I’ll step out the door, and my shoes are instantly caked with dog shit. And, this is all in addition to layers upon layers of animal hair all over me. I think the shit smear I left on my boss’s office floor may have cost me a promotion!

The worst of it is the sex life. I’ve never done it in front of other people before. So, it’s awkward when a row of cats watch me. It breaks my concentration. Much worse, sometimes a cat will think my jiggling balls are a play toy and will start clawing at them. But, this isn’t as off-putting as when a dog tries to get in on the action. I’ll feel a tongue on my asshole or a nose trying to wedge its way into her already-occupied vagina. We haven’t had sex for three months now because of this.

What should I do? I love her, but the pets are driving me nuts!

-Helpless in Hillsboro

Dear Helpless,

Two words: Peanut Butter. Apply it to the regions you want to have licked, sit back, and enjoy! Remember: The taboo against bestiality is antiquated. You like it. The animals like it. It saves your relationship. It’s really nobody else’s business. So, give a dog a bone!

If you’d like help justifying bestiality or just need general life coaching, drop me an e-mail (urinalgum@gmail.com) or letter (Dear in Headlights, PO Box 1243, Eugene, OR 97440.)

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Five People to whom You Have Permission to be an Asshole

By admin | May 5, 2011

Image courtesy of erikscollon.net

James C. Warmels Jr. being a total douche

People who insist that you be nice all the time to everyone are annoying and so deep in denial it’s hard to spend more than three seconds with them. I get it: it’s noble to make the world all unicorns and rainbows. But, let’s be serious: is it any fun? Isn’t the whole point of living to entertain ourselves? Well, I guess that’s up for debate, but it’s true beyond any doubt. And, isn’t it entertaining and cathartic to occasionally go off on someone deserving of scorn? God gave us anger for a reason. This is why you see groups that are allegedly supposed to be nice to everyone (psst, Christians) that target subpopulations to hate (the gays, the Mooslims, pornographers, etc.) even when their members are secretly part of these groups. Anyway, the point I’m trying to get at is that we need official targets at whom we can release our anger emotion. Here are five.

Image courtesy of cracked.com

1. Impolite cell phone users. If they’re loud in a public place and talking about vagina blood, you have every right to destroy their phone call. In fact, it’s your civic duty. Women will look upon you with lust, and men will look upon you with envy (and a little lust). I like to get real close to the offender’s face and join in on the conversation. Make it hard for them to talk. Friends are not exempt. If they interrupt a conversation or are distant because of their celly, ditch them. You should also probably ditch them if they use the word “celly.”

Courtesy of sgt-turnkey.blogspot.com

2. Recruiters. It could be a Marine recruit or a Mormon. If they approach you, this is your opportunity to attack the fundamentals of their belief system. Point out all the little flaws. “Why should I go to Iraq? I wouldn’t be protecting our freedoms! I’d be earning money for big businesses! And, how will I be treated when I get back? Like dirt!” Or, point out that the evangelist believes in God because of a fairytale book and that God was invented to help people handle the fear of death and has been a useful tool in keeping people in shitty living situations.

Image courtesty of omnipotentpoobah.com

3. Teabaggers. These folks are fun. They hate everyone who is not a Teabagger. They will not concede points when they are clearly wrong, so you have to enter arguments with them with a sense of humor and not expect to “win.” There are usually simple arguments that will tear apart their issue of the day. For example, right now, you would tell them the “Ground Zero Mosque” is neither at Ground Zero nor is it a mosque. Then, go from there.

Image courtesy of freedomtwentyfive.wordpress.com

4. Fat people eating. God, I hate fat people. They’re always taking up too much space and moving too slowly. You’re usually helping them when you make them too embarrassed to eat. If they were smart, they’d pay to have assholes like me follow them around 24/7 ’til they lose the chub.

Image courtesy of thealttab.com

5. Beggars. You’re fine dining on the sidewalk patio with a hot blonde (I don’t know why her hair color matters) when a skeezy old rag of a man comes up and asks for some oddly-specific amount of change. Swallow your mouthful of quail and make the bastard cry. If you’re not going to eat those steamed veggies, now is the time to dispose of them…on his face. You can also use this horrific experience to get your meal comped.

If you take nothing else from this article, you should remember that there is no need to flip out on someone you love when there are plenty of more disserving people everywhere you look.

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International Fuck-A-Friend Day: June 9th

By admin | May 2, 2011

effafriend

International F*ck-A-Friend Day had its humble beginnings during the summer of love back in 1969. It began as an outlet for expanding sexual awareness while high on drugs with soul mates you met a couple days ago. It was wildly successful.

But, after the hippies became executives in the 70s, the lessons learned from the original F*ck-A-Friend Days were lost, and with the help of the Reagan administration and its invention of AIDS, F*ck-A-Friend Day was pretty much forgotten.

Until now.

We are teaming up with every sort of birth control and STD protection to reintroduce F*ck-A-Friend Day to a modern audience. We would first like to stress that we are not doing this because we want to hook up with our smoking-hot friend Amber, who can’t see that she shouldn’t be dating her loser boyfriend and would be much better off with us.

F*ck-A-Friend Day is meant to bring close friends even closer. We all have really good friends with whom we’ve reached a plateau: we already know everything about each other. We share everything. We may even share intimate details of our sexual exploits. Wouldn’t it be so much better to show our friends what we are talking about rather than telling them? F*ck-A-Friend Day gives you this opportunity.

F*ck-A-Friend Day is also trying to erase the taboos our society has built up around sex. Did you know that back in Shangri-La people would greet each other on the streets by having sexual intercourse? It’s true! My, how far we have come! Nowadays, people won’t even allow one to talk about sex. We’re all too afraid to take our genitals out because we may get a laundry list of STDs. Of course, it is important to be careful about these sorts of things, but who do you trust more than your friends when it comes to clean sex?

The main goal of F*ck-A-Friend Day is to provide friends with an opportunity to broach the subject of engaging in one of life’s more enjoyable acts without the fear of it destroying the friendship.

Of course, as with having sex with anyone (friends and enemies alike), it is important to have some ground rules/reminders:

-Both parties must be consenting (and able to consent) at all times. This is NOT Rape-A-Friend Day.

-Be sure to use some sort of protection. It’s not Father-A-Friend’s-Baby Day.

-Be sure to follow all applicable federal and state laws, except for the stupid ones (like “no fellatio.”)

-If your friend is an Hassidic Jew, be sure to do it through a hole in a sheet.

-It is, of course, okay if your friend is already sexually active with you.

Sex is a touchy subject, so approach this carefully. Make plans to hang out with the friend that day. Perhaps, send them an invite to take part in this event. Basically, ask the friend if he/she would like to participate…as a one time thing. If they say no, try another friend. If they say yes, this does not mean that you will have sex with them on any other day of the year or ever again. This is strictly a one time engagement. This understanding is necessary to avoid potential future awkwardness or friendship problems that plague every other friendship that turns sexual.

So, that is all the info you need to have a fun and successful International F*ck-A-Friend Day. Please voice your comments and concerns below, and we will try to address them!

Happy F*cking!

Topics: Special Report, Stories | 15 Comments »

BoozeWeek Article. Boozing on a Budget. This Episode: Propositional Bets

By admin | January 3, 2011

This article was originally written for the Fall 2010 issue of BoozeWeek, now available at Olive Juice and stores all over the Eugene area and elsewhere. Reprinted with BoozeWeek’s permission.

Boozing on a Budget: Propositional Bets

James C. Warmels Jr. scamming free drinks

I discovered propositional bets when trying to find ways to open up conversations with strange women with whom I wanted sleep. A propositional bet is a bet you will always win, yet the proposition is so outlandish that others will be forced to take the bet. Needless to say, my 2:20 AM ladies rarely paid up after losing the bets, but I did come off as clever, entertaining, and sweaty palmed. And, I had me a sure fire way to score free drinks wherever there is a bar with a group of drinkers inside. You can find plenty of propositional bets by simply doing a Google search. But, since you made the mistake of reading BoozeWeek, you are forced to get the best bar-tested bets your sly author has to offer.

First of all, you need to present your proposition to a group of (preferably drunk) people. This insures that at least one person will express an interest (perhaps with the help of peer pressure) and that when you win the bet the person is less likely to Welsh (like those lousy people from Wales!). Secondly, present the proposition first then discuss a suitable wager. You need to pique their interested before letting them know it’s going to cost them. For example:

1. “I bet you can’t Answer Five Questions Falsely!”

Calmly let your target know that this isn’t a trick: all of the questions have a clear true or false question. They need to answer all five of your questions with a lie. Bet them a beer. The keys to this one are the fourth and fifth questions. The first three are simple ones that can really be anything so long as you keep it simple. Be sure to pause between the first three questions but not the last. So, let’s try this:

Question #1: What city are you in?

Hypothetical Answer: Des Moines

*pause pretend you’re thinking*

Question #2: What day is today?

Answer: Brown

*pause again*

Question #3: Is it currently raining here?

Answer: No.

*quickly!*Question #4: How many questions was that?

If they answer a truthful “3,” collect your drink!

If they answer anything else, *quickly* ask Question #5: Wait, have you done this before?

Here, they will give you a truthful “no,” and you will win.

2. “I bet I can Drink this Shot without Moving the Hat!”

What you need: one shot of liquor, a hat that can conceal the shot, and a straw.

Step 1: Before delivering your proposition, in full view of your potential targets, take the hat and cover up the shot.

Step 2: Deliver the proposition.

Step 3: Once you have a taker, let them know you are going to use the straw but that the straw won’t touch the hat.

Step 4: Put the straw to your mouth and suck close to the base of the hat for 20 seconds.

Step 5: Sit up satisfied and exclaim “There!”

Step 6: Once they claim that you did not drink the shot, tell them to take a look then.

Step 7: When they lift the hat, grab the shot and down it and quickly let them know what drink they need to buy you.

3. “I bet I can Remove this Bill from under this Upside-Down Beer Bottle without it Falling!”

What you need: an empty beer bottle and paper currency.

Step 1: Balance the empty beer bottle mouth down on the center of the flattened bill.

Step 2: Ask the potential targets to try to remove the bill from under the bottle without touching the bottle or letting it fall. They will try to swiftly yank it out tablecloth-on-dinner-table fashion. This will fail.

Step 3: Present your wager. Tell them that you will remove the bill from under the bottle without touching the bottle or letting it fall.

Step 4: Once you have a taker, slowly roll up the bill using both hands. When the roll gets to the bottle, it will slide it slowly along. Make sure you don’t touch the bottle with anything but the rolled up bill!

Step 5: Tell them you’ll have a Total Domination.

Now, remember: you may come across sore losers sometimes. Gently remind them that, while they do have to buy you a drink this one time, you have given them a valuable tool for getting plenty of free drinks in the future. That said, you should be careful where you use your new skills. Doing the same trick in the same bar over-and-over again will come back to bite you.

There, I’ve given you the tools you need to get unlimited free drinks for the remainder of your life, while making it virtually impossible now for me to get away with these tricks. So, I expect, as a token of appreciation, to receive plenty of free drinks from you next time you see me at the bar. Think of it as a way of appeasing me so that I don’t feel the need to hustle you. You’re welcome.

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Recap of December 4th’s bout between Emerald City’s Andromedolls and Rose City’s High Rollers

By admin | December 16, 2010

Hurricane Skatrina lets Bullet Brains know that she also scored four points on the jam. (Photo used with permission from Casey Campbell)

December 4^th, 2010 Emerald City Roller Girls’ Andromedolls versus Rose City Rollers’ High Rollers

By Master Brains (Emerald City referee and Lane County Concussion merby player)

Despite having gone undefeated two seasons in a row, the two-time Emerald City intraleague-champion Andromedolls knew they would have their skates full against Rose City’s 2010 intraleague-champion High Rollers. On the ride up I-5 to Portland in the Eugene Highlanders’ Pipeband bus, the Dolls emanated nervous energy. When talk of the bout came up, someone would chime in with “What if we win this?”

Rose City’s Hangar at Oaks Park was packed with a Who’s Who list of Oregon roller derby. This was going to be a show to remember. The opening bout on the bill was a convincing triple-digit-differential handling of Medford’s Southern Oregon Rollergirls by Portland’s Heartbreakers made up of newbies from the Break Neck Betties and Heartless Heathers. Portland seems to have an endless well of talent to draw from.

Crammed in tight between the Emerald City’s travel team coach Izzy Wright and Lane County Concussion merby star Speed Dealer, I flipped out my notebook to take some stats without the use of elbow space, of which none existed in the venue. Gasharella took the starred-panties for the Andromedolls in the first jam…and the second jam…and the third jam. She committed three quick majors and kept the J-marked penalty chair warm to start the bout. By the time she was able to stay on the track for the quadruple whistles, the High Rollers already had a 43-zip lead. What followed was a valiant effort by the Dolls. They chipped away at the lead to go into halftime down by a more manageable 80-55 score. The star of the first half was the Rollers’ Sully Skullkicker, who scored all of her 37 total points in the first half including a 24-point jam to open the bout.

The second half was an exercise in methodical victory for the High Rollers. They would get their four points, and then call off the jam. Slowly, they would build their house of brick, which the Doll wolves could not blow down. When Bullet Brains grabbed four points and quickly called off the jam, Hurricane Skatrina was right there on her tail snatching up four points right as the fourth whistle blew. Skatrina then skated after Bullet and shoved four fingers in her face to make sure she knew about it (pictured). Bullet would remain her usual cool and smiley self and finish with a team-high 29 points. Paige Security added 23 points for the Dolls despite taking a nasty spill when Rollers’ jammer Devaskating Diva took her out on an incidental low block.

As the Rollers seemed to have a decent lead, they entered a “prevent defense” in which the jammer would immediately go into defensive mode to slow up the opposing jammer and kill the clock. Bullet Brains admitted after the game that she played this poorly: “I felt like they were waiting for me to try to dart past them. I was not going to play into their game. Unfortunately, it killed time. In the future, I’ll definitely play it differently.” The Rollers eventually wore down the Dolls for a final score of 151 to 83.

Minstrel Psycho led the way for the Rollers with 39 points while having her jam ref point at her 8 out of 10 jams. In fact, the Rollers would have more pointing at them than a kid who farts in the middle of his third-grade classroom, picking up lead jammer honors 25 times to the Dolls’ 12. The Dolls’ Rex Havoc was her usual destructive self making life miserable for the High Rollers’ jammers. One of her organ-liquefying second-half blocks dropped Minstrel to the floor, who in turn took one of her blockers with her.

“The High Rollers played a very fast game and their ability to break up walls and ‘squash’ us against the inside line was impressive,” Dolls coach Valentina Slaughter said after the game. “The Dolls stayed focused and gave it their all, even when they were exhausted. The level of play was very high and our team fully represented throughout the bout. Autumn Atticweapon was a standout as a blocker and jammer. Also a breakthrough night for Moonshine Clementine and a great first bout for Twist of Skate.”

Rob Lobster, the High Rollers’ coach who is always available for comments to the refs during bouts, was not available for comment for this article.

The after party was held at The Beauty Bar in downtown Portland. I got the sneaking suspicion that this Beauty Bar was going for a beauty salon motif…mostly because there were these chairs, these old time chairs from the old time beauty salons. You know the ones. The ones where your grandma would sit reading her fashion magazines for hours on end while her hair dried or permed or did whatever the hell that weird globe on her head did. You know what I’m talking about. Well, they had those chairs! The Dolls’ Surly Q and Slapcat both chilled in these chairs. There wasn’t much of a dance floor, but there were beats. And, if you give derby girls beats and any floor space whatsoever, there is going to be dancing. Emerald City’s Ophelia Melons and Lane County Concussion’s Master Brains got the dancing started, and soon the floor was full. But alas, the clock struck midnight far too soon, and the Cinderellas from Eugene had to hop into the Androme-Bus before it turned into a pumpkin, bringing your not-so-humble author with them. The after party was a draw between the four teams skating that night.

You can next catch the Andromedolls’ at their season opener January 29^th against Church of Skatin’ in a rematch of 2010’s championship bout. The High Rollers skate again January 15^th at the Memorial Coliseum in Portland.

Topics: Special Report | 1 Comment »

BoozeWeek Article: Kickin’ Some Balls in the Park

By admin | December 2, 2010

This article was originally written for the Fall 2010 issue of BoozeWeek, now available at Olive Juice and stores all over the Eugene area and elsewhere. Reprinted with BoozeWeek’s permission.

Kickin’ Some Balls in the Park

James C. Warmels Jr. Reporting

It’s a blistering Saturday afternoon, and Fudge Monkey is tying up water balloons and loading them into her bike trailer. “I like to mix things up once in a while. Sometimes I’ll bring a grill and some meat. Today, the balloons will help cool the game down.”

The game is kickball. The place is Skinner Butte Park, where the North West Association of Adult Competitive Kickballers (NWAACK) come together to drink, talk shit, and kick some balls. “Kickball is an adult sport where adults do adult things and say adult words.” Spiggy, a tall beautiful bikini-clad psychology student, tells me. “Kids are welcome to watch, but this is definitely an adult environment for adults.”

Having started in November of 2005, NWAACK is the oldest and least organized kickball league in Eugene. Ninkasi sponsors the Playground Sports kickball league. But, the Playground Sports league is the Major League Baseball to NWAACK’s (pronounced nah-WACK) street stickball. Spiggy echoes the sentiment of others I talked to: “You don’t have to be good or fast or outgoing or athletic, you don’t have to wear a uniform, and you don’t have to pay any money — you just have to show up.”

That July game I attended got going around 3:30 once Clairetoris, the “rostermonger,” showed up to get everyone organized. “Kickball is forcefully unorganized. I am here to keep things running.” Clairetoris is another tall beautiful bikini-clad young woman with the aggressive banter of a big black mama. “I don’t like to play. I am here for the social aspect.”

To start, two (voluntary, or losers of “not it”) captains alternate picking players in that way psychologists bemoan as “hurting children’s self-esteem.” Clairetoris writes their kickball names on the roster. “You have to have a kickball name,” Chef, who could be mistaken for an athletically-built guy, tells me. “If you don’t, we give you one.” Some of the names given to poor unwitting souls include Tamponeater, Fuck Job, Cock Fucker, and Baby Killer. Clairetoris keeps a list of similar names on hand for in hopes of destroying lives.

“Some of my favorite (self-chosen) names are Turbo Tits, Mega Mammaries, Douchebag, Pretty Boy, Elbow Deep, Minimal Effort, and the list goes on,” Spiggy says.

The rules for kickball are basically the same as baseball with a few minor adjustments. For example, you can throw the ball at the base runners (not at their head, though), there are no strikeouts, no stealing bases or leading off, and you can kick the ball and run the bases while holding a beer in your hand, a common sight.

This afternoon, the first inning was very eventful. Toe Jam caught the ball in the air for an out only to find that his pinky finger was perpendicular to where it should be. He howled in pain, popped it back into place, downed a beer, and continued playing. Your humble author sent his first kick into the mighty Willamette River. After fifteen minutes of attempting to recover it, we finally gave it up for lost. With only six players per team at game time, occasionally players would yell at passers-by: “Wanna play kickball!” This strategy usually attracts newcomers, who can join in at any time.

Despite Clairetoris keeping game play moving smoothly, tearing a new asshole for anyone who is gabbing instead of kicking, the first five innings take two hours. So, with the heat bearing down and all in need of a break, we skipped the sixth inning and headed right for the “Seventh Inning Sesh.” This is when some people do what a “sesh” entails, while I and women in bikinis chose to cool off in the Willamette, just a ball’s kick away. When we got back, Fudge Monkey was unloading the full force of her water balloon cache. There was a fun fight that had all the resemblance of a gum commercial with the socially responsible Eugenian period of cleaning up the balloon guts. And, Clairetoris wrangled us back up to finish the game.

I don’t remember who won the game. There is always a winner for the score is meticulously kept, but no one seems to care all that much about the outcome. They just do it for kicks. Overall, it was an idyllic way to spend a summer afternoon. “We do this year-round.” Fudge Monkey makes sure to tell me. “Winter mud ball is a lot different and better in many ways. Just be sure not to wear anything you care about.” You can count me in.

You too can come play kickball. All you need is a desire to have a good time. Seriously, that’s it. NWAACK meets EVERY Saturday during the Fall and Winter at 2:30/3ish at Washington Park (20th and Washington). Cheap beer in a discrete container is highly recommended. Oh yeah, and remember to bring a name or you may end up as “Anus Blood.”

Writer’s Note: Originally, the article said “NWAACK meets EVERY Saturday and Sunday at 2:30/3ish at Skinner Butte Park.” This has changed to Saturday only at Washington Park for the rain season. For the most up-to-date info, check out Eugene NWAACK’s Facebook page.

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Urinal Gum #10 Out Now!

By admin | October 15, 2010

Cover by Dexter Cockburn

This issue promotes bestiality, arson, and murder.

If you’re in Eugene, you can get it for $1 at this event.

If you like to send money through the mail, you can send $2US ($3US outside of North America) well-concealed to Urinal Gum, PO Box 1243, Eugene, OR 97440 USA.

If you are part of the 21st Century, you can Paypal the dough:

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Five Things in the New Health Reform Bill that THEY Don’t Want You to Know About!

By admin | September 25, 2010

Let’s be clear here: The Democrats rushed the health reform bill through before anyone could read it so they could push an agenda that most Americans don’t want. In the process, they had to make some backroom deals behind doors that were locked with deadbolts and required the highest security clearance. They were served a light lunch. In these dimly-lit backrooms, to get the votes they needed, they threw in some items that would cater to special interest-controlled representatives. We here at Urinal Gum just finished reading the bill (you can find it here), and here are some of the more disturbing items we found.

Section 5405a(4) states, “If a patient (no matter the degree of insurance coverage) is judged to not believe in evolution, medical professionals may not administer treatment for any disease, virus, or other malady that has evolved.”

Basically, if you don’t believe in evolution, you will be left to die.

dinosaurjesus

Section 3001bb(10)iv states, “If, in giving birth, a pregnant woman will have more children than the average for women of child-bearing age (based on the latest census numbers), said woman is required to have an abortion and must also have a hysterectomy in her vagina.”

Although we appreciate the need for population control, this is inexcusable. Abortions should never be required! And, mandatory hysterectomies in the vaginas are reminiscent of Nazi Germany, where Hitler regularly tied Jewish tubes.

hyster

Section 6969a(22) states, “In order for any heterosexual (based on their latest dating info) to receive any health care coverage whatsoever, he/she must first be gay married.”

This is where the bill really gets disturbing. Effectively, gay marriage is now required in the United States.

gaymarry

Section 1982t(21)x states, “Every American citizen must be evaluated for their greenhouse gas output, whether it’s from flatulence or from exhaling. If their output exceeds the average, they must purchase carbon credits or they will not be allowed to see the doctor for this farting problem.”

They are basically forcing us all to become tree-hugging hippies. We can thank the representative from Humboldt, CA for this stipulation.

methane

And, finally, Section 187n(4)iBB(17)flc(92)pC3PO states, “Those citizens who have registered guns will not be allowed to purchase health insurance in any way, shape, or form. If they decide to relinquish their firearms, President Obama himself will come and take away the guns.”

It’s finally happening: President Obama is taking away our guns.

obamagun

So, as you can see, there is good reason to yell racial slurs, call people baby killers, throw money at Parkinson’s patients, and otherwise try to shut down Congress. Our rights have been usurped in favor of pushing a progressive agenda. Pick-up your poorly-worded, inaccurate posters and head to Washington (D.C., not the state) to let them know you are too angry to be rational!

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A Letter to Pabst Blue Ribbon

By admin | September 17, 2010

dennishopper

July 26, 2004

Pabst Brewing Company

P.O. Box 739

Milwaukee, WI 53201

Dear Pabst Blue Ribbon,

If Budweiser is the King of Beers, than Pabst Blue Ribbon is the Violent, Reclusive Uncle of Beers. Pabst Blue Ribbon, or PBR as we like to call it in the social circle I run with, is my favorite beer. Before I go on, we should take care of legal business so you can keep reading. I am 23 years old and a college graduate. So, I enjoy your company’s product legally and always have. I am really fat.

When enjoying your product (I am not aware of other products made by your company), I have noticed that it gives me terrible gas. I asked this friend of mine, who likes to plant flowers but isn’t gay, if he gets the same reaction and he confirmed it. Sometimes it can be really embarrassing. For example, I was necking with this fine lassie after a whirlwind night of imbibing cans of PBR. After I had spilled my seed, I rolled over and was preparing to pass out efficiently and thoroughly. It took longer than I had hoped to turn in that night, which wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been for the devil’s rumblings in my tummy. Tectonic plates could never produce the earthquakes begging my external anal sphincter to relax. Unfortunately, I couldn’t just throw the aforementioned fine lassie out in the streets with her hair pie hanging out, so my only hope was to keep the earthquakes down to a dull tremor. Luckily, they were scentless, and a crisis was averted. I really enjoy your product, but I think your folks in R & D should look into producing an anti-gas formula of PBR and maybe PBR Light. I don’t know.

Have you ever seen the movie Blue Velvet? It’s directed by my favorite director, David Lynch. You guys really oughtta check it out. In this movie, Dennis Hopper says, “Heineken? Fuck that shit! PABST BLUE RIBBON!” You guys should probably use this scene in a commercial only without the naughty words. Speaking of which, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a PBR commercial. I have seen your product in various movies (Midnight Madness has a scene that takes place in your factory and Brad Pitt drinks PBR in Seven), but never a commercial. Do you just pay the hipsters to make it a symbol of ironic coolness?

Well, I just wanted to let you guys know that I just love the heck outta your beer. Keep up the good work. I am willing to help you guys out with suggestions since I am killing some time before going to grad school. I like to get drunk (and not drive) and write (I am not drunk right now). These are just a few of the flakes off of my bottomless pit of ideas. I will look forward to your reply. Until then, I remain,

Appallingly yours,

Psome Pseudonym

I did not receive a response. But, they now produce PBR Light, and I can only assume it has Bean-O in it.

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